Saturday, 12 January 2013


So the first royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge has been unveiled to some controversy. Paul Emsley is the supposed artist, but I think he just stole it from the attic room Kate has had it hidden in for the last thirty years. If Donald Trump were British, he’d be demanding to see a copy of the future Queen’s birth certificate. The Duchess looks at least two decades older in the painting, which I think is quite a good idea because if she pisses off the Royal Family like Diana did, then it’ll save The Express a fortune in mock up pictures of what she would have looked like on her fiftieth birthday.

Kate was said to be delighted with the portrait, and William said it was “beautiful”, but to be fair, it was hung beside Camilla’s official picture at the time. A picture of baby seals being clubbed to death by a naked Susan Boyle would look beautiful next to that. Prince Philip was the only one said to be disappointed, when he heard the artist was using photographs to paint the likeness of our Kate he thought they meant the ones where she had her tits out.

When Kate asked the rest of the Royals what they thought of the painting they changed the subject faster than that time Harry asked why he was the only ginger in the family. The same artist was also working on a portrait of The Queen at the same time, but Royal aides decided not to release it after they found he had just painted a skeleton in a box.

The portrait is said to have cost £30,000, which is the second highest amount paid to make it look like a Royal had been in an accident. For £30,000 they could have bought 3000 cameras from a pissed off Jessop’s employee down the pub and taken as many pictures as they wanted. Even better, Kate could have brought the Royals into the 21st century by copying the standard Facebook profile picture of taking a picture of herself in the bathroom mirror with one of the Queen’s bras hanging over the bath in the background while Charles sits on the toilet reading Heat magazine.

Paul Emsley will probably never work for the Royals again, but he won’t be short of jobs as he’ll make a killing now doing pictures for every school-kids fake ID. The next time we need a Royal portrait done I vote we have Neil Buchanan do a massive one in the middle of a Lidl carpark with pasta, sand and the shit that comes out of David Cameron’s mouth.